You have no idea what my life is like. I spend 30 minutes every morning making sure I’m mentally prepared for the day. I make jokes I don’t even understand in hopes people will strike up a conversation. At school, I fight my OCD (I scratch my thigh, wrist and neck when I hit a trigger) every minute of the day until I’m in band (the only place other than my grandmas house I feel safe). I often find myself tripped up from all of the medication, and I have a hard time making friends because I don’t read social situations very well. My number #1 speed dial is the suicide hotline, #2 is my grandma and #3 is the police. I fight myself everyday trying not to kill myself but something deep inside my head is telling me it’s time to go, while I fight to stay in the hopes this will get better.
What I’m saying is, I am in a holy war against myself. And it’s hard when you’re the only one who can help yourself.
I hate that in not good with other people. I have friends, but I’ve never held a “Best Friend” for more than two years. I hate myself for that, but I like being alone and not worry about others.
I feel like sharing a secret.
I hate when people touch me. I never have, I find it to be stressful, gross, and annoying because I hate when people enter my personal space. I’m okay with the occasional hug or kiss, but I don’t let anyone touch my hands, my shoulders or my thighs. It’s not because I’m fat and unhappy with my body, I just hate when people crowd me out, I get very nervous and clammy.
That is all.